Wednesday, December 9, 2009

"When the weather is nice every day it is no longer very special".
I for one am glad its winter. Cold weather and winter rains are refreshing. Like the contrast between a sunbeam through a layer of clouds and the darkened landscape it interrupts. It reminds me that things are changing. Its new and that newness makes you pay attention.
I went to the gym on tuesday for the first time since April.
Last Friday I got the results of the PET scan from my doctor. In truth I had a pretty good idea on Thursday. I asked the technician to show me the scans and I've had enough to know what to look for.
So the radiation worked. There are no signs of cancer activity in my body. What is left of the tumor is dead and the mass itself has shrunk. My doctor was thrilled to give me the news- it's the first time she's had good news to give me since treatment began. The caveat is that, optimistically, there is only a 20--30 % chance that it will last.
Why am I not happier? Where is the euphoria and joy? Like Damocles and Dionysius I cannot easily forget the sword hanging by a horse hair over my head.
I'm sorry I'm not more excited. I tried to call someone after I got the news. They didn't answer, and as the day went on my mistrust of the previous day, when I had looked at the test myself, returned. I'm wary of the rug being pulled from underneath me.I'm not just physically damaged from the cancer, poisoned from the treatment. Im emotionally , psychologically, philosophically challenged as well. There are more ways to recover than just growing back some hair.
Don't get me wrong, I'm ready for the miracle. But the nice thing about miracles is that you don't have to be prepared for them.
What is it in life that even generally happy people need help with? Why do we drink, smoke, do drugs? Living is hard work!
But I'm glad I get an extension on my warranty.
I guess there's something to celebrate!