Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Luck, realistically qualified on a relative continuum, can be at once good and bad depending on where you choose to focus. You're in a car accident and only the car, not you, gets hurt. You were in an accident, that's bad. It could have been worse, that's good? 
Well, I'm having trouble finding the right spot to view my good luck from. On Monday after Thanksgiving, before chemotherapy, I met with my oncologist to discuss my PET scan. This test was to show what progress my cancer had made on the path to remission before radiation. Well, its on the right path, but my cancer seems to have taken a rest stop, having made it a short way down the road, to rest up and get some energy.
My good luck? Well, the cancer hasn't spread or grown. It has responded to the chemotherapy. The tumor has shrunk. Just not enough. My bad luck? There is a core of the tumor that continues to be quite strong. It's possible that it has developed a resistance to the chemicals that were meant to poison it, not just me.
I will continue chemotherapy now for 2 more months (4 more treatments) and the radiation delayed. The hope is that it just needs more time. If not? Well, then it gets bad. I will need a much stronger chemical therapy. One powerful enough to keep me isolated in a hospital at Stanford for a month. One that requires the removal and storage of bone marrow stem cells from my blood. This is saved for future transfusions while under going therapy in the hospital, to replace what your bone marrow can no longer make- blood.
So, where is my good luck? I'm sure there are people who have it worse than me. Is that my good or their bad? I am lucky for the wonderful people in my life: family, old friends, new friends, people who care who have hardly had a chance to get to know me, and Steve. You all are my good luck. Thank you.